Unhealed scar

Laugh. cry. love. attention. anger.

I felt that I changed a lot, from the me that I used to be. I changed from the old me, to someone that I barely even know. I was shaped by a lot of things, a scar that will never be dissapeared, no matter how hard I tried.
It will always be there, the unhealed scar, the floating feelings, and unfinished memories. It carved in my hearts and leaving some invisible marks that will never be disappeared..

now when I looking back to the old memories, it still feel fresh.. feels like yesterday, that's why it hurts to see.. even though usually I didn't feel anything, but it can sometimes comes back and struck me with sadness and despair..
when this feeling can go away?

I was trapped in an unhealed scar that will never be disappeared.. until when?

Light

I was trying to be the light for you, to be the chest that you can stand on.. But why did I felt like I am the second choice for you?
I'm not the person that you will turn to when you need advice.
I'm not an ear to choose when you need someone to listen.
Even i'm not the one that you choose to know your story. Oh, wait..
You didn't even looking at me.

why it is so hard now?
I want to come back to those times, when it is easier for us to talk and listen.
My thoughts are full of unspoken words that I want to say to you, but my lips are sealed..

Dreams

After finishing high school, I've been trapped in choices and decisions. Where I should go after graduating? what major should I choose? but all of these questions coming from the same phrase. What is my dream?

To be honest, I don't know what is my dream. Yes, I have my hobby, I have my passion, but "dream" is a faraway words that I never found. In the end, I just go with the flow. Following the path that opened for me. Luckily, it's not a wrong choice. Even though many people underestimated me because of this major but I feel relieve because I know, I didn't made a wrong turn. couple days ago, I saw my friend status that saying she's going to canada for exchange program. I've been burning with jealousy and hatred, and I was thinking. Why I'm here? I want to go there and I know, that I have all the qualifications that needed to go there!
From that day, I've been looking for any opportunities for me to go overseas, other places. and also, from that day I know, what my dream is.

I WANT TO SEE THE WORLD. 

I tried so hard to be involved in something, to be part of a community. I swallowed my pride, and trying. all of that is to achieve this goal in the end. I don't want to be nobody, someone people can just walk though and didn't notice her. I want to left something in people's memories, I want to see what world's can offer..

I don't want to trapped here, in my safe zone. Yes, I know that the world's can't harm me there, but really, I want to be something, someone, you named it. 

But is it that hard to achieve? Should I just give up?

"Sorry" and forgiveness

"Sorry" is the word that I heard often from you.

You will kiss my hand, hug me, and comforted me while saying that words.

but then, the same situation again, and the word "sorry" is repeated.

And the things going round, and round, and round. Like a circle where I cannot run from.

Have you ever think about my feelings? Yes, I cannot reject you and you know that. slowly, this love become something different, facing to the wrong direction and I did not like it. 

Is it too much to ask? Is it so hard to do it?

It didn't even last days to make you forget about your "sorry".

Have you noticed that every piece of wounds that you threw on me leave some invincible marks that never be healed? And yet, you blamed me for not running into you every time I got something.

How come I trust you when you cannot even keep your own words?

I have learned that sometimes "sorry" is not enough. Sometimes you actually have to change.

a Little Prayer.

This is the prayer that I've found in one of the novel that I've read. This is beautiful and makes me think about a lot of things..

Doa Peziarah Santiago de Compotela... 

Tuhanku...
Bicaralah padaku bila aku kesepian
Bisikkanlah dukungan-Mu bila aku dirundung kecemasan
Dengarkanlah suaraku bila aku jatuh
Sudilah menjadi bagiku penghiburan dalam perjalanan
Tempat bernaung di waktu panas
Tempat berteduh di waktu hujan
Dan penolong dalam bahaya
Semoga berhasil
Mencapai tujuanku
Sekarang,dan juga nanti
Pada akhir hidupku...

My Lord, talk to me when I feel lonely, hear my sound when I fall..

Gravity

Something always brings me back to youIt never takes too longNo matter what I say or doI still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone
You hold me without touchYou keep me without chainsI never wanted anything so muchThan to drown in your love and not feel your rain
Set me free, leave me beI don't wanna fall another moment into your gravityHere I am and I stand so tallI'm just the way I'm supposed to beBut you're on to me and all over me
You loved me 'cause I'm fragileWhen I thought that I was strongBut you touch me for a little whileAnd all my fragile strength is gone
Set me free, leave me beI don't wanna fall another moment into your gravityHere I am and I stand so tallI'm just the way I'm supposed to beBut you're on to me and all over me
I live here on my kneesAs I try to make you seeThat you're everything I think I needHere on the ground
But you're neither friend nor foeThough I can't seem to let you goThe one thing that I still knowIs that you're keeping me downYou're keeping me down
You're on to me, on to me and all overSomething always brings me back to youIt never takes too long

It never takes too long..

Emotion

It's me. again. same time, in the middle of the night, with a lot of thoughts that need to be thrown.
Hmmm, where should I start?
Emotion, familiar with this word? People said that it is better to keep your mouth shout when you are in emotional state. I learnt the lesson.
Goodbye is a word that is easy to said, but it is very hard to understand the meaning of it. Yes, few months ago i mentioned earlier that I will put an ending to this unspoken feelings, but then it is very hard to do it. and again, i cannot control my feelings and ended up confessed everything to him. such a fool, aren't I?
It is not like I want to have relationship with him, I'm happy enough with my current situation. But again, this stupid emotion drove me. I felt jealous, angry, when ends he replied to the person-i-hate-the-most comment, when he doesn't even bother to reply mine.
yeah, I know. I shouldn't feel this way. His reply after that stabbed me. He said that "It should't be a problem between friends right?" . I feel like crying hearing those words. Yes, I'm just your friend. but am I feel greedy to ask for some special treatment?Not just---- friend?
I used to be your best friend after all and I really miss those moment now, especially when I have no one that could really understand me here.
all those feelings mixed up within me. I still want him to be my friend, yet I still have some lingering feelings for him. Now, he doesn't reply my message again, but I don't think that I could persuade him to reply it after I heard his words. I don't want him to feel forced my me, after all.
Someday, I hope he could read this and understand my feelings. I gave him this this blog though, but I don't think he will be bother to check it. :(
hahahaha, where was I just now? Yeah, It is better to close your mouth, tie your hands when you feeling something. You never know what you might do.

Somebody that i used to know

Now and then I think of when we were togetherLike when you said you felt so happy you could dieI told myself that you were right for meBut felt so lonely in your companyBut that was love and it's an ache I still remember
You can get addicted to a certain kinda sadnessLike resignation to the end, always the endSo when we found that we could not make senseWell you said that we would still be friendsBut I'll admit that I was glad that it was over
But you didn't have to cut me offMake it like it never happened and that we were nothingI don't even need your love, but you treat me like a strangerAnd that feels so rough
No, you didn't have to stoop so lowHave your friends collect your recordsAnd then change your numberGuess that I don't need that thoughNow you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to knowNow you're just somebody that I used to know
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me overBut had me believin it was always something that I'd doneBut I don't wanna live that wayReading into every word you sayYou said that you could let it goAnd I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know-oh-oh
But you didn't have cut me offMake it like it never happened and that we were nothing I don't even need your love, but you treat me like a strangerand that feels so rough
(oh)
No, you didn't have to stoop so lowHave your friends collect you recordsAnd then change your number (oh)Guess that I don't need that thoughNow you're just somebody that I used to know
Somebody that I used to knowSomebody (now your just somebody that I used to know)That I used to knowSomebody that I used to knowSomebody (somebody) (now your just somebody that I used to know)That I used to know

This song described my feelings for you completely, K.
What I've done wrong?

You.

Kamu. Ya, kamu.

Suddenly you appeared. bringing all the things that I needed from someone.

things that made me rejected so many times, things that I cannot change no matter how hard I tried.

You look so easy to approach, to become someone that I could rely upon, but then same things appears again and again, and I realize, that maybe you are not mine to possessed, because we still have that gap between us. and yet, someone stole your heart, and I should keep my own oath to not touch something whom I'm not belonged to.

So I will only look you for a far right now, admiring from distance.

End of the story

No, when you saw this doesn't mean that I will close this blog and again, make the new one. But this is the end of my story, actually, one of them.

Hey, thanks a lot. for everything you gave to me. To the feeling that I know, this is real. thanks for giving me this feeling, the state of love to the point that I never really forget you in this 2 years. To the point that I still cried for you now. to the point that I still wait for you. for all the unreplied message and text, forgotten promises, and the broken friendship. Thanks a lot.
You are the most amazing things that happened to me, I never realized that I can really love someone this deep, but you do remind me. I cannot pretend that I will removed you from my heart, but I want to lift up my head and walk. Live goes on and so do I.
For the last time I will say, I LOVE YOU K.H.

you will always be there, always.



because "The End" is never really an end, it is a new start.
So see you in another stories, my dear honey..

Lost

I'm lost. Lost in this matter doesn't mean that I couldn't find my way or what, but then I feel that I am lost now. I'm in the state where I didn't know what I should do, nor I didn't know my dreams, nor I didn't know my goal. I changed, those naive-full of dreams little girl have grown into dreamless mature women. I thought so many times, when it started to go wrong?but then the time clock so quickly and there's no way back to the way it was.while I go on, I  want to find what I want to do, I want to defeat myself and changed, I want to learn not to depend on person since it can easily betrayed you. all is not sincere, it just another way to get some benefit from your acquittance and well, I did the same thing to them.

God, I want to back to the way I way, strong and sincere, and find my own happiness..

Broken Heart

Aku sering bertanya, kadang. mengapa inspirasi untuk mengisi blog ini selalu datang di saat yang kurang tepat. Pagi buta, langit gelap, selalu jadi suasana yang menemaniku saat menulis di blog ini.
Okay, stop with this intermezzo. sekarang, aku ingin mengutarakan hal yang menjadi pokok pemikiranku saat ini.
Have you experience broken heart? broken heart adalah suat situasi dimana hubungan kita tidak berjalan dengan lancar, dan perasaan kita tak berbalas. sakit rasanya, duniamu terasa gelap, dan yang ada di pikiranmu hanya dia, dia, dan dia. kau tidaklah lagi bisa berpikir dengan jernih karena pikiranmu kosong dan otakmu dikendalikan oleh hatimu.
pada banyak kasus, patah hati menjadi sesuatu yang ekstrim karena dapat berujung dengan perbuatan yang merugikan diri sendiri seperti berhenti makan, melupakan sekolah dan hal penting lainnya, melukai diri sendiri, atau yang terburuk, bunuh diri.
mengapa semua ini dapat terjadi?karena orang mulai mengatasnamakan semua kegiatan yang mereka prbuat itu "atas nama cinta". cinta seharusnya dapat membuatmu bahagia bukan?
kalau itu sampai erusak dirimu apakah itu tetap cinta?
kita tetap harus dapat berpikir jernih dan memikirkan langkah kita ke depan. jalan kita masih panjang, seseorang pergi buka berarti tidak akan ada orang yang bisa mengisi lubang kosong itu. lift up your head and walk away!
:)

Dios

"God is the best listener, you dont need to shout nor cry out loud. Because he hears even the very silent prayer of a sincere heart."


The topic that I want to talk for today is a bit unusual, but it gave me a deep impression and I cannot hold myself for  talk about it. right now, I'm in a current state when I really need someone to listen but unluckily, no one was there for me. this topic is now something that I can talk to people because it contains my darkest secret. at that time, I was really depressed, but still i cannot gather my courage to talk to anyone, especially the source of my thought. when I saw the quote, I cannot hold myself for crying, because right now I broken my promise with God and He is like send his message to me that He is still there to listen?
This is the first time I felt that God totally speak to me. I really hope that He can give me strength and  guide to through this problem.I'm lost and totally need someone to be my cicerone, before I'm falling deeper to this state of madness.

Pandora Box

Hatred is a double sided sword, isn't it?
when you said you hate someone, you will keep thinking about that person every single day. Maybe you're not realized it, but you will be the one who know that person the most. Even though it will be faded by time goes by, it will still there. Deep down inside, waiting for the time to appear.
The more you talk about that person, the more you remember right?
Not all the memories is bad, still, there is a single drop of happiness inside.

karena memori itu adalah sebuah kotak, yang terdiam dan terpaku, menanti untuk dibuka.dan sekali segel ingatan itu dibuka, segala hal yang ada di dalamnya akan mencuat. dan pada saat itu, sangatlah sulit untuk menutup kotak itu kembali..

Dinding tak terlihat

Kadang, semua nampak sempurna. tapi aku harus menyadari bahwa tiada hal yang abadi, semua ini hanya bayang semu dan akan menemui akhirnya suatu hari nanti. Lagi, aku harus menjaga hatiku dari semua perasaan ini, agar dia tidak terlalu masuk terlalu dalam, dan membuat serpihan-serpihan rapuh itu remuk kembali.

kadang, aku berharap akan sebuah cerita cinta yang normal, dengan suatu akhir yang bahagia dan pasti. mengapa aku harus menemui kebimbangan dan ketidakpastian, lagi?

Aku mulai lelah dengan ini semua. Aku ingin ketulusan, rasa sayang, perlindungan, dan tempat pasti untuk menghilangkan resah dan asaku. Kenapa itu semua begitu sulit?
Terlalu banyak luka yang tertancap, jarak yang terus ada dan merekah,dan alasan lain untuk sebuah kebersamaan menghantamku, menghadapkanku dalam sebuah dinding tak terlihat, dan menjauhkanku dari kebahagiaan.